What Home feels like?

Since I was doing my foundation in law, some people that noticed asked me
 "Fin, why are you rarely go home?"
"Are you okay not going home for months? It's not that far?"
"You are home less often. If my home is 2 hours away like you, I would've come home every week!"
*I can bet some that asked asked with a thought of that I'm anak derhaka, cause I rarely went home*

Well actually, I don't even have a home. Don't get me wrong. I do have a place to stay and come back to during the semester break or long holidays. But this place, the house that I'm staying and while I'm writing this, isn't home.

I yearn for a home. I long for one. For a place that I feel the utmost comfort on the first step that I enter to, even if I just had a bad day. Thinking that there's a shower with toiletries to destress myself. A kitchen that I, myself own, which I know where everything is placed. And I don't have to feel annoyed with people that throw food into the sink, causing it to be clogged. A rug that gently tickles my feet that I will feel obsessed with folding my feet in it. Small plants or cacti that I'll cared for. A place that doesn't have to be big or fancy, a place that I own. That I can, eventually, claim that it's mine. That's home.

However, I'm grateful for what I'm having now. Considering that there are homeless people and refugees that live in tents. This rezeki or sustenance that He continuously provided to me is always abundant and I'm thankful of that.

How long has it been?
Many things had changed.
Did I expect my life to turn like this? No.
Life is like a full wave of unexpectedness
I just read my a few of my posts that I wrote years ago.
Oh, how carefree I was.
Now?
It's just a clusterfcks of...everything
And Im just 19, going to 20.
What am I doing?
Why am I not feeling motivated doing anything?
Even if I do, it was just a few seconds of flickers, until it stopped,
Just like the fireworks that I used to play when I was a kid.

heyy?

This Year

Salam

*No apologies for my inconsistency updating this blog*

New formidable subjects. New subjects beg to comprehend. Old subjects step to a new level. Yet, the old knowledge need not to be forgotten.

I'm not in shock as I predicted all this. Well known that things should not take for granted. The foretold news how hard form 4 is. Yet, it can be harder as my life continues.

January passed. February looms. Next month's waiting to be embraced. Yet, I feel like an old lady suffers a lumbago. However, my arguments that I'm facing the worst on this stage of my life should be ignored and invalid, as others struggling to finish university etcetera etcetera.

(I feel like I'm writing a poem. So stiff. And not so beautiful)

The chastised exam is over and I hope that was the last time I took exam in that school. Not that I hate the school, my friends, the surrounding. As most of my harlequins of moments created when I was schooling there. The thing is, I prefer a school that appreciates students' academic more rather than bare co-curricular achievements and exam results are the precedent, focus point.

SBP result is still in pending. The thing that can make me truly happy now, is, to receive an offer letter. Pray for me and my friends. And hopefully our part and while chasing our dreams will not jeopardise our relationship. I want it to be forever lasting.

And I'm imagining it, receiving wedding letters from my friends. I anticipate Saranes' the most because I'd spent hours to convince her to step into marriage life, and my best-best friends of course. Although lately people seen me with some of my other best friends, Faie and Izzatul always top my heart :)

Reunions. Parties. Skype. Twitter.

Blablabla I'm crapping.

LOVE

AFNEy

Just When You Thought of...

Salam

Yada yada. Same old. Same old. I re-read one of Hlovate's novel ; Rooftop Rant. And I bumped into this hadith on page 536.

"None of you should long for death because of calamity had befalled him...and if he cannot, but long for death, then pray, 'Dear Allah, let me live as long as life is better for me, and take my life if death is better for me'"

Suddenly, it hits me really hard as realisation strikes me. How come I didn't realise it printed on this novel? Maybe I was too small when I last read this. Too immature. I'm not saying that I'm matured now, just a little... wise?

How many times we'd encounter the news of people gave up on their lives?

When the situation is at its worst. And when you think there's no power to let the walls of disconsolate, wistful and sadness that's beleaguering you, just think of this hadith. And if possible, don't abscond yourself from the perturbing problems. Clearly, there's a way out cause Allah is always there with his promising words that there will always a way.

Keep reminding yourself (and myself too) that you'r not alone :)

LOVE

AFNEy

Hi.

Salam

It's been a very long time since I posted any nano word in this blog. Usang jadinya. The thing is,,*bunyi cengkerik*,, the thing is, okay, saya malas. Well it is not my obligation to update this blog. *Sombong je buyinya, kwik, kwik*

Lately, many things happened in my life. Bout Kak cik and her future husband. And Kak Li with her err yeah , so-called-'kawan' that my favourite auntie, Mak Lang who's been gifted by Allah to,, to what? to 'see'. Yeah something like that and found that Kak Li has someone special.

Okay. I shouldn't post things (damn, why I used 'thing' word many time?) anything bout Kak Li's personal life cause I don't have the rights. And it is not confirmed yet by 'tuan punya badan'. Haha. But Im very anticipate the day when Kak Li will announce the person.

And bout Kak Cik, Im very happy to have my dearest Abang Arif (haha nak muntah) as her future husband. My mom also seemed happy with Kak Cik's choice. I found my mom always creating reasons to see him. And I, also grasped the opportunity to know him more. And of course I MUST know him. Ingat senang hati je nak bagi anak dhagha orang? Cantik pulak tu. Kakak disayangi pulak tu. haha.

And I suddenly became a judge, judging, judging and judging my future abang ipaq. Hope he did not notice that. But well, it's compulsory to judge him. Hope he doesn't mind if he knows. But, come on, he judged me too right? blalalala

And Im thankful to Allah cause he sent Abang Arif to our life :) *ayat bunga je ko dhikkk*
And mom thought Abang Arif heal her pain when she knew that Kak Li was not going home for Eid.
Me? no one can replace my jewel Kak Li :') (Pathetic do ayat, sepak kang)
Ugh, just when will I stop writing things unpathetically?

Their big day, Abang Cik menghantar tanda. But for me? hell, they are engaged man! 

Till Then, 

*banyak homework x siap. Cuti one week rasa macam cepat je habis. Me want moreee cutiiiee! haha
*hoping no one will read this. but? why am I posting this. Menunjukkan rasa happy :)
 Now I can sit my bum on the chair happily during PMR test :) *okay of course not happily, I mean peacefully, eh? no. Shakily? But Im happy.. and no one take tests happily or peacefully? Okay, shut up!

Luna

Salam

My sister bought a ?parsian? cat. Well, I already knew her obsession of cat since...since..I don't know since when. haha

And here. A few pictures of Luna (she named her Luna. And don't know why she chose that name in the first place).

At first sight : I thought she was a skunk. haha. 

Some of pics that I kidnapped from my sis's facebook :D

Till Then

Bwyeeeee 

Crumbling

Salam

Yesterday, Teacher's Day. Was postponed. But not until yesterday, we celebrated it. So that the students can focus on their exams. So that the students can feel and absorb the joy atmosphere. Let the perturbing thoughts decease from their mind.

But not me.

I'd lose my faith on people that day. I felt the world is crumbling viciously around me.

I was suppose to wear formal prefect uniform. I didn't know that I have to. My fault actually cause I skipped the yesterday's yesterday afternoon to curl in the comfort of my bed at home. Prefects should stayback at school after school session. And my intuition said : I should go home. Although I'd physically prepared for the stay back as I brought my pray robes and extra money and all that. But my insides said that I should go home. I'd always believe my intuition. No matter how crazy it is. 'Sides I didn't feel 'that' well on Thursday.

When I mentioned 'that' well, I didn't mean bout my health condition. But the inside of me. I never ditch evening stayback, no matter how tired I was. But I felt very soulless and abandoned by my friend. I felt veryyy, like in the abyss. Don't know how to describe. I felt sooo left out by my friends. That's all. So I decided to go back. Gulp a cuppa and took a long shower - I always do that when I felt frustrated or left out or whatever.

And no one bother to ring me. No one bother to tell me that I should wear formal prefect uni. Conclusion : No one cared bout me. Okay, just sod yourself in your own world.

Later, on that day. I felt that I wanted to throw my tantrums. Especially when I had a conversation with Nurin. She mocked me the same annoying sentence 'Sape suruh x datang. hahaha'. Then I kicked the class door (I can be very violent sometimes). She was thunderstrucked of course. And then I did this kind of ugly snort in my throat. Declaring 'I'm still in good terms with you. Don't make me explode' than she continued her famous phrase 'Sape suruh x datang semalam' like hundred times. Then I cast a sidelong and full of anger glance at her and strode off. I wanted to kill her that time. After a while I went down to hall with Izzatul. Before I went to hall, I let out my anger. Some noticed that. And I said to whatever people who care to listen 'Bengang betul aku kat Nurin. Bukan masalah dia pon. Kecoh betul'. Really Im not the kind of people who let her anger out freely and easily. Im more like a ?sweet? person. I even felt guilty when I turned my 'moody' mood and entertain people harshly.

I felt dizzy in anger. I sat at the fringe of the hall. Wait and wait for my senior to take notice of me. Of my discipline not wearing formal uni. And it happened. She said 'Kenapa kamu x pakai baju formal' and I said without guilty and some tad anger 'Saya x tau' and she said 'Sape x bagitau kamu?' she whimpered and off. I respect my senior. Really. And I felt sorry for her to have a junior like me. I felt soooo down. And no one notice that. Or think they don't even care I do.

Even Kai Wan mocked me then I replied 'Ko jangan buat aku explode' then she stopped. Gee-gee. Sorry guys. Really I rarely and barely let out my anger. Trust me. You can also ask my friends.

Then I met Fatizah. That was when I really-really appreciated her. I felt like a person who dehydrated in Sahara and found gallons of water. When I don't eat for days and found a buttered bread and gobble it and feel the sweetness as my tongue do its job.

She consoled and mollified me. I don't know how to describe it. She said 'It's okay. Bukannya cikgu nak kesah pon. Ko pon x yah susahkan mak ko suruh bawak baju formal. X kan disebabkan ko sorang je majlis ni nak tertunda' and so on-so on she said things that rise my spirit.

Sometimes it is easy to lose faith in people. And sometimes one act of kindness is all it takes to give you hope again. 


So in this entry, I want to say thank you-thank you to Fatizah. I very-very appreciated of your existance. I could kill myself if I didn't meet you. And thank God. Thank Allah. Because of you, I met Fatizah.

That time also I told her my problems. Even my biggest problem. And I felt very safe in her protective care. I expressed everything to her. My heart was soo floaty and dense as I told her everything. And I hugged her.
I was very grateful.

Thank you Fatizah. Somehow, I found peace in your words.

Many had a blast day yesterday. But me not. And finally, I found Fatizah  (What a pathetic I am)

Till Then

AFNEy

Are You Ready?

Salam

Now. Blame everyone but me. Because now, Im one of the trillions fans of The Hunger Games Saga. Well, as a norm teenage and fan, I googled 'catching fire', just out of interest. To kill my boredom. And I was gobsmacked to see this >

Her wedding dress is pretty awesome. This is the most anticipated scenes, where her wedd dress transforms  her into mockingjay. 

A flash of excitement overdose me. But it turned out that the poster isn't official. Neway, who cares? Well, I care. Because, Im just tad impatient to wait for the movie to be viewed by the earthlings. 22/11/13. Yea, I'll wait. 

Time to focus on about this big-big-big day in my life. PMR hahahahahaha 

Till Then

Bwyeee

But still, I don't even care bout her wedd dress neway. It is the movie that I care. I mean, people don't watch the movie because of her wedding dress. puh-lease. But it stings my eyes cause she has to wear it during the interview with Caesar a day before she enters the arena. The place that she will die. But of course she wouldn't die because there is the existence of book 3. 

It's just well, I felt in my emotion when I read that part. 

Now I wander a lot! 

The Thing issss...

Salam

I know. It's been awhile since I abandon 'this' thingy that seems disappear as new day approaches. Sometimes, I think, what's the point of blogging?

Should I stop here? As if someone would read this entry anyway. Maybe they are sick of my consistency updating this blog. Maybe. Who knows

Now. My life isn't about this blog only (of course). Im not the 14 years old girl who blogged like mad. Updating everyday. Updating something nonsense. Updating any crap.

Lately, I was busying myself with...books. In fact, now, I hate updating this blog. As if it matters anymore.

And who know? I might kill you in boredom when you read my blog. 

Till.

I have many activities to attend to. Many homework and folios to finish before due.

Then

AFNEy

*oh sod it. What a pathetic post. In fact, I shouldn't post any nano word  

 

Ai izzzz *sweat*

Salam

I checked my USBF results,

And T.T

I got 4a's.

Syukur-syukur-syukur x de C

but still,

=,=

meowwww...

and I got b for english =,=

result paling teruk dalam kehidupan saya

Till then

p/s ngantuk! nak tidur. demam. x gi sekolah. baru makan ubat.

Cemana laa

Salam

Cemana la atheist boleh wujud? I mean, othak mane othak?

I believe, if everyone use their brain and sit at a corner in dark (okay sit at the corner in dark tu terlebih sikit and sangatlah dramatic) and ponder bout the things around them.

Where and when did the nature 'grow'? and WHO made it?

If the ask themselves and think bout it, I think they should -at least- come to a conclusion, that there IS God.

Maybe the people around them that make them being an atheist. maybe. and bout the condition around them. maybe.

We can't really blame them. Cause well basically they don't know how to use the brain...hahaha

Kay Im a bit far bout this. I know I shouldn't criticise them or sumfink, just well don't know, what a cow they are cause they have brain but don't use it well.

who made all these wonderful things?

Some people say we can't see love

But we can feel it

We can relate it with God also

I don't see God, yet

But I can feel Him :)

LOVE

AFNEy

Scary

Salam

I was eating at a mamak restaurant with my mom. When I was on my way paying the bill at the counter, I suddenly notice my ex-schoolmates. A boy. Before I notice him, I made this ugly and kinky thing in front the mirror.

GOSH

I hope he didn't see me at that time.

I was thunderstrucked! well mainly cause, I didn't expect to see any of my ex-schoolmates there (although I discreetly sometimes wish that I can bump any -YES ANY- of my ex-schoolmates.).

oh cow. My teenage life is over.

He will be running to all of my long lost ex-schoolmates and tell them how ugly and fat I was. And they'll be laughing at me. And I will be banned from any reunions. And-and-and-and

*sigh*

I worry too much.

LOVE

AFNEy

Ok. Just sod it

YAY!

SALAM

I, HEREBY, ...

*drum rolls*

I've read all Shopaholic collection

trololololololo

XD

If Mum Understands

Salam

If my mom understands what I have to struggle right now. Being a prefect and a phasing teenager. Sometimes she just don't understand what I'm having right now.

Like I tell bout my duties to her. And she, who was a former prefect, said that 'Is it too hard to handle them. I mean, when I was a prefect, the students respect the prefects. They never cross us. They will read books during morning assembly.' Thanks mom for the concern, and all that.

BUT

now is wayy too different than the oldie time when she was a prefect. That oldie time, being a prefect is like a piece of cake. Students had changed.

And there was this I talked bout a stalker (my friends and I named her bias), and stare at us like rapist. And always bothers us. And she said 'Apa susah, slow talk jela dengan dia'

Oh sod it, she'll never understand somehow.

And another one is bout students yang selalu call boiprennnnnn (mainly indians, BUT look I'm not a racist or something, but it's a fact!) by using the public phone at school. Our school public phones are just tad different than the public phones out there. Like, they have limits of using it. They need to be charged if the batt had died out. And the only way to use the phone again is when a man who will charge the phone come on the next morning (I guess, I mean I'd never saw that man or something, but oh well come one of course the is someone who will be charging it.) And when they talk to their boipreeen, they talked for minutes! Like I don't know exactly how long. But well, they are the main reason why we can't call our parents during urgent times. Aku pon bengang jugak because I'd face the same situation. When I need to call my mom then -tadahhh- no battery!

And I talked to my mom bout that and she made a dead pan face, saying 'Tu pon x boleh handle ke, buat la blablablabla' Her ideas is wayy to old for the solution. hhahaahaha

Public phone di sekolah saya tidaklah segrand ini

But Im very grateful somehow. I mean, at least she cares although she couldn't understand. And sometimes she just, came out with hilarious ideas like the previous post I said that my mom gave and idea like 'throw books infront of princy's door and scream at her, and say 'don't even bother to give the books back to me' (She said it in a funny way). Although the idea is crazy, but it somehow made me laugh.

LOVE

AFNEy

1 tahun je

Salam

Cikgu : Tak pela untuk tahun ni je kamu korban masa, tenaga, duit etc etc. Nanti kamu dah dapat 8a keluar le. 1 tahun je. Sabar je.

Yeah, aku pon selalu cakap benda tu dekat diri aku. Im trying to be optimistic. But the more I think bout it, the more I think bout it negatively. And I know semua orang penat. Banyak budak sekolah aku yang lain baru 2-4 minggu sekolah dah merungut.

-Banyak homework

-Penat

-Koko

Yeah. I've been coping it. But now, I just can't stand it.

What's with the cocos, stayback and all that.

And out of the blue, time exam week la pengetua tercinta kata nak check all of our homework during the 1 week holiday. Apa lagi, memang merana la jawabnya. Aku x buat homework semua tu awal-awal because I planned to do it during holiday. So I can have a more relax and easy-peasy life during taking my exam.

Antara homeworknya termasuk :

- salin 10 essay bm

- modul migguan sejarah yang ada bout 15 pages

- nota sejarah bab 2

- maths. semua kejadah buku maths yang ada kena hantar

- geo modul sampai bab 12

- science - sebaik sikit je

- kh. modul. latihan mingguan. nota

- ag. kerja tertunggak (sebaik ai x de youu)

Okay if x de exam okay lagi. Tapi masalahnya semua menatang tu kena siapkan time exam week. And we only get 1 day notice. harini notice esok or lusa kena hantar. and DENGAN KOKO NYA LAGI. 3 days in a row.

Even masa aku punya tidur pon terjejas. Like aku balik makan mandi solat and pukul 6 tu dah rasa mengantuk. Sedar x sedar pukul 12 baru bangun =,= then bangun je siapkan homework. Like seriously when we are suppose to study? We were even in dilemma. I mean what should we sacrifice? our exam result or the ruddy homework?

I know we shouldn't procrastinate doing out homework, but she should at least give a one week's notice. or even before the exam week. Besides I already had planned to finish it during the holidays.

My mom even say like this : Go and take all of your excercises and note books, bundle it in a tight rope. And dump or kick or toss it in front of her room. Even better if you scream, 'nah amik! nak sangat! amik! amik! just keep it in your ruddy room and don't ever bother to give it to me'. Like seriously, AS IF she has the time to check all of the book. I mean, there are about 4000 girls in that school. And not only one subject that have to be submitted, but 8 bay-bee! haha. (Except, there's this tiny-teeny thing in my heart say that, she'll manage to finish checking it all, cause well she practically don't have to do anything during the holiday. She don't has hubby or children to take care off)

Oh sod it. She's a complete cow. We can't object her. She'll throw a fit.

She has the ounce of right to do whatever at the school. But she also has to remember that she should be considerate (even sometimes)

That's it

AFNEy