Salam
Yesterday, Teacher's Day. Was postponed. But not until yesterday, we celebrated it. So that the students can focus on their exams. So that the students can feel and absorb the joy atmosphere. Let the perturbing thoughts decease from their mind.
But not me.
I'd lose my faith on people that day. I felt the world is crumbling viciously around me.
I was suppose to wear formal prefect uniform. I didn't know that I have to. My fault actually cause I skipped the yesterday's yesterday afternoon to curl in the comfort of my bed at home. Prefects should stayback at school after school session. And my intuition said : I should go home. Although I'd physically prepared for the stay back as I brought my pray robes and extra money and all that. But my insides said that I should go home. I'd always believe my intuition. No matter how crazy it is. 'Sides I didn't feel 'that' well on Thursday.
When I mentioned 'that' well, I didn't mean bout my health condition. But the inside of me. I never ditch evening stayback, no matter how tired I was. But I felt very soulless and abandoned by my friend. I felt veryyy, like in the abyss. Don't know how to describe. I felt sooo left out by my friends. That's all. So I decided to go back. Gulp a cuppa and took a long shower - I always do that when I felt frustrated or left out or whatever.
And no one bother to ring me. No one bother to tell me that I should wear formal prefect uni. Conclusion : No one cared bout me. Okay, just sod yourself in your own world.
Later, on that day. I felt that I wanted to throw my tantrums. Especially when I had a conversation with Nurin. She mocked me the same annoying sentence 'Sape suruh x datang. hahaha'. Then I kicked the class door (I can be very violent sometimes). She was thunderstrucked of course. And then I did this kind of ugly snort in my throat. Declaring 'I'm still in good terms with you. Don't make me explode' than she continued her famous phrase 'Sape suruh x datang semalam' like hundred times. Then I cast a sidelong and full of anger glance at her and strode off. I wanted to kill her that time. After a while I went down to hall with Izzatul. Before I went to hall, I let out my anger. Some noticed that. And I said to whatever people who care to listen 'Bengang betul aku kat Nurin. Bukan masalah dia pon. Kecoh betul'. Really Im not the kind of people who let her anger out freely and easily. Im more like a ?sweet? person. I even felt guilty when I turned my 'moody' mood and entertain people harshly.
I felt dizzy in anger. I sat at the fringe of the hall. Wait and wait for my senior to take notice of me. Of my discipline not wearing formal uni. And it happened. She said 'Kenapa kamu x pakai baju formal' and I said without guilty and some tad anger 'Saya x tau' and she said 'Sape x bagitau kamu?' she whimpered and off. I respect my senior. Really. And I felt sorry for her to have a junior like me. I felt soooo down. And no one notice that. Or think they don't even care I do.
Even Kai Wan mocked me then I replied 'Ko jangan buat aku explode' then she stopped. Gee-gee. Sorry guys. Really I rarely and barely let out my anger. Trust me. You can also ask my friends.
Then I met Fatizah. That was when I really-really appreciated her. I felt like a person who dehydrated in Sahara and found gallons of water. When I don't eat for days and found a buttered bread and gobble it and feel the sweetness as my tongue do its job.
She consoled and mollified me. I don't know how to describe it. She said 'It's okay. Bukannya cikgu nak kesah pon. Ko pon x yah susahkan mak ko suruh bawak baju formal. X kan disebabkan ko sorang je majlis ni nak tertunda' and so on-so on she said things that rise my spirit.
Sometimes it is easy to lose faith in people. And sometimes one act of kindness is all it takes to give you hope again.
So in this entry, I want to say thank you-thank you to Fatizah. I very-very appreciated of your existance. I could kill myself if I didn't meet you. And thank God. Thank Allah. Because of you, I met Fatizah.
That time also I told her my problems. Even my biggest problem. And I felt very safe in her protective care. I expressed everything to her. My heart was soo floaty and dense as I told her everything. And I hugged her.
I was very grateful.
Thank you Fatizah. Somehow, I found peace in your words.
Many had a blast day yesterday. But me not. And finally, I found Fatizah (What a pathetic I am)
Till Then
AFNEy
